My husband idolizes money & barely spends it,except for rent & bills. He lives for that next paycheck,not so much cause he needs it,but he literally idolizes money. He’s 64 & hasn’t started living & enjoying life,unless you consider binging on beer nightly. He makes us all suffer for money & treat it like God.
How many of us are living for that next payment,for that next money fix? You wonder how many people are missing out on life. How many are watching life roll by. They buy groceries,pay bills & rent,While waiting for that money to appear,and it starts all over,until one day they are old & dying,& never did enjoy life,cus it was all about money…money that was hoarded,kept a sectret,& locked away. I see that in my case. My husband idolizes money & waits for the next fix. I don’t work & am drug down by that…the worship of money…idolizing it…& I suffer & miss out on the wonderful things that make being alive a pleasure. He & I live for money & we wait for it. That’s us. OMG
I found it at Twitter & ran with it. Yes,I know all about it. I emptied all my thoughts about it & that was an abundance. I never knew so many people have mental illness & all the problems it causes. There they were,young & up in age,battling mental illness & struggling to survive. As for me,its never been this bad,this intense. I’m not suicidal. I do know I have people that are counting on me to be here for them. Besides,I don’t care to die. I have my dreams & those that I love,my loved ones. My life isn’t much of a life,but its mine & I am going to live right on into old age. I am a survivor with a strong will to keep going. I’m not ready to lay down & die. Right now my life is awakened & it feels real good.
It got started with the new house, & a bedroom big enough to be a library to my abundance of books. Up next I am getting a brand new pc! I will be able to play all my favorite car racing games! Yeah,so what,I am 54. Haha,I am going to live out the rest of my life & do what I want! Sporty cars are my passion & you will find those in the pc racing games…Oh what fun! Nobody will ever know I am 54 & a gamer! Its my secret,oh haha. Eventually I will get back to reading & journaling. I am beginning to live again.
always sleepy…can’t stay awake. I’m not connecting to realty & none of it feels like home. Its like I don’t belong here & nothing feels right. I feel homesick,but sick for what? This place isn’t home…TN isn’t home. Do I even belong in this savage world in which we live? Do I even want to be here now? I am anxious,overflowing with stress,severely depressed,overflooded with fear. I am beginning to fear all people & even those I love. I am slipping away from reality,away from life as we know it. I don’t really trust leaving my house. Most of the time I am a hermit,deep within my comfort zone. It is here I wish to stay. I don’t want to see what’s outside. I don’t want to leave my comfort zone.
no,not literally,but emotionally & mentally I am dying. Its anxiety & all its culprits. You know,the worry,stress,depression,panic attacks,fears…all those things that makes life a dread & makes us want to close our eyes & never wake up. Its a bad day,a day normal people would pay no attention to. Its normal & natural for them,like breathing. For me,crushed by anxiety,its overflowing with worse case scenarios. The fear is intense. I am bordering on a panic attack. The house is so quiet. I really do need to scream…or do I pray for safety. No,no,no,let me scream until I pass out. I hate this day & want it over. Please,let it end.
We appreciate this new house we live in. We are most certainly grateful. All credit goes to God. It never would’ve happen without him. He made a way & open the door. However,its not home…not yet. It doesn’t feel like home. Maybe its to early & needs more time. We’ve all unpacked,but its not really home. I guess we are adjusting. Maybe its all the rain these days. Rain is depressing. Maybe its how cold its been. Maybe I am missing Florida & my Family there. We most certainly DO NOT miss the old house & how deadly it was. I suppose it takes time before a house becomes home. We are in town,next to traffic. This is certainly new to us. Nice,yes,very nice. There are no loud mouth dogs & big mouth children. Other than traffic…its quit & peaceful. The neighbors never ever bother us. So ah,other than telemarketers & yapping bill hounds its peaceful & free. Its clean…1914 clean,haha. We are blessed.
Way back 7 or so years ago,I learned to use a picture of sporty cars as my profile in social media,like Facebook,Twitter,& the others. I could hide behind the cars. I did have knowledge of cars & a passion for them. It became my cover & hid how bad I looked. I was overweight & looked unattractive. I’ve never shown my profile in social media. Plenty people loved the sporty cars I posted. It was all about the lovely cars…for awhile…but soon I attracted haters that hated me because I am female,in my 40s back then,with a passion for sporty cars. I became hated to no end & called every evil name imaginable. The wicked haters wanted me dead. The worthless idiots did everything the could to make me commit suicide,but my passion for sporty cars would never die & I being an adult wasn’t going to commit suicide. The hatred continue for years. I finally quit most social media & those I stuck with I stopped talking or replying to filthy haters. I now own my own fan sites for various cars. Nobody is hating me now or pressing hard for my suicide. I know to block the wretched haters. They are garbage & are worthless.
Sure,I could hold my own when alone,but with other women I was average & blended in. Maybe it didn’t help that I became an alcoholic & later a chain smoker. I was always the least in my family & was never noticed. I was overlooked. I tried to be beautiful & stand out. That worked in photos,when I was alone,but with my beautiful sisters I was average,nothing to see. Sure boys like me…I was easy & that was enough for the boys. Some boys compared me to my lovely sisters & most used me. With time…I guess nearing 50 I was fat & handicapped. My looks,if any,was gone. Hell,I’ve been wearing grandma outfits for over 20 years. I never knew I could get so fat & look so bad. I look homeless. I’d fit in great with the bums on the street. At least my hair is brown & I am unwrinkled.
I went through my pc car racing games. It tore me apart. Its been over a year since I played those games. My laptop doesn’t have a CD player. I am also wondering if I am way past playing the games I love & miss with all my heart. The games are listed for teenagers & I am 54. Does it really matter. I love sporty cars & that’s what the pc car racing games are all about. I love the challenge. I mean ah,what are we supposed to do…lay down & wait to die…kick back on a rocking chair & wait on death. After age 30 are we doomed & have nothing to do but wait on death. I’m not ready to quit my pc racing games. Oh,sure,teens would tell me to go off & die. Past age 20,they want us all to die. Whoever gave life & living to those freaks underage 20…the know it all teens & their really stupid plans. They can’t run this planet & be successful. They are disaster waiting to happen. Who knows,maybe some teens are decent. All I remember is the rubbish telling me to die,along with all other adults. I am still alive & I might start playing my pc racing games…no,I am going to play again,as soon as I get my new laptop.
The new home hasn’t helped me. Its so much worse. I mean the anxiousness thoughts. The thoughts are unreal & 100% out of control. I hate the thoughts & won’t them gone forever. I can’t control them or skip over them. They are here & unthinkable,& are all over the place. I want to scream! I do need medicine to gain control & live with some sort of peace. There’s rarely any peace. Its all evil. Those thoughts are here most of the time…crazy thoughts. They linger & push me toward emotional,mental collapse. Its not normal,not sane,not even average. This is hell,its evil,& I can’t stop it,cuz the thoughts can’t be stopped or controlled.