I drank the usual booze I always drink & the same amount…&…what do you know…I fell asleep watching Jerry Springer. At least I didn’t fall out of my chair. Up next I awoke with my belly severely bloated & so tight I couldn’t change my position. I huffed & puffed,moaned & groaned & after much struggle I changed my position…I was on my left side,on the edge of the bed,but not comfortable…it was like being 9 months pregnant. I laid there like a beached whale,a song by Wednesday 13 stuck in my head,all my thoughts were morbid & unwanted…anxiety & depression set in & nothing I could do about it. I dreaded the fight to get out of bed…its a cold morning & the heater wasn’t on.
I sat up,facing the writing table & the books that are on it. My blurry eyes focused on the Jon Gabriel book. I wanted to start reading it again…& most likely I will…when my eyes are clear & I’m feeling better.
Here in the dining room…insane thoughts…I want to scream,sob,beat myself up…anxiety,depression doing what they do. I have no choices during this time…I’m as helpless as a newborn kitten. There’s nothing I can do to make this mental,emotional hell go away. I’ll have to ride the storm out.