Never Actually Pretty

Sure,I could hold my own when alone,but with other women I was average & blended in. Maybe it didn’t help that I became an alcoholic & later a chain smoker. I was always the least in my family & was never noticed. I was overlooked. I tried to be beautiful & stand out. That worked in photos,when I was alone,but with my beautiful sisters I was average,nothing to see. Sure boys like me…I was easy & that was enough for the boys. Some boys compared me to my lovely sisters & most used me. With time…I guess nearing 50 I was fat & handicapped. My looks,if any,was gone. Hell,I’ve been wearing grandma outfits for over 20 years. I never knew I could get so fat & look so bad. I look homeless. I’d fit in great with the bums on the street. At least my hair is brown & I am unwrinkled.

heavenly-angel10

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Feeling Sad & Empty

I went through my pc car racing games. It tore me apart. Its been over a year since I played those games. My laptop doesn’t have a CD player. I am also wondering if I am way past playing the games I love & miss with all my heart. The games are listed for teenagers & I am 54. Does it really matter. I love sporty cars & that’s what the pc car racing games are all about. I love the challenge. I mean ah,what are we supposed to do…lay down & wait to die…kick back on a rocking chair & wait on death. After age 30 are we doomed & have nothing to do but wait on death. I’m not ready to quit my pc racing games. Oh,sure,teens would tell me to go off & die. Past age 20,they want us all to die. Whoever gave life & living to those freaks underage 20…the know it all teens & their really stupid plans. They can’t run this planet & be successful. They are disaster waiting to happen. Who knows,maybe some teens are decent. All I remember is the rubbish telling me to die,along with all other adults. I am still alive & I might start playing my pc racing games…no,I am going to play again,as soon as I get my new laptop.

need

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My Anxious Self Is Much Worse

The new home hasn’t helped me. Its so much worse. I mean the anxiousness thoughts. The thoughts are unreal & 100% out of control. I hate the thoughts & won’t them gone forever. I can’t control them or skip over them. They are here & unthinkable,& are all over the place. I want to scream! I do need medicine to gain control & live with some sort of peace. There’s rarely any peace. Its all evil. Those thoughts are here most of the time…crazy thoughts. They linger & push me toward emotional,mental collapse. Its not normal,not sane,not even average. This is hell,its evil,& I can’t stop it,cuz the thoughts can’t be stopped or controlled.

trinket8

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My Bedroom Is A Library

Books surround my queen size bed…& the journals without end. I’ve collected the books since I was in my 20s & can’t recall how long I’ve been collecting journals. I don’t know what to say…books & journals make me feel alive & keep me going. I can’t even imagine  life without my journals & books. Having them surrounding me is comforting & relaxing,makes me feel in charge & ready for what’s ahead. Its mainly Laws Of Attraction books & Christian books,some weight loss books. There are no fiction books. I journal what I learn,write fiction books,& I write about my day & how it went. Without books & journals I couldn’t live…my life would end.

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The Assholes Of Life

That’s the losers, like the worthless shit that damaged my car’s bumper. The no good idiot did his dirt & ran like a lame ass clown he is. He left the damage to be my fault,although his no good shitty shelf did it. I do wish that ass every evil known to man kind. He deserves it! He deserves to live a life in misery & suffering. The crumb goes through life damaging what others have. He does it & runs & never has to pay the price or spend time behind bars. Let Karma take his ugly life straight to hell. Stop those savages,end their lust to do damages. Stop the menaces forever!

Hands Holding a Lit Candle

Hands Holding a Lit Candle

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I Finally Got Good Food

For over 20 years I’ve settled down with gross food. You know,whatever is cheap & tastes like shit. Today,I did what I did maybe  10 times out of 20 years,& got some good food. I felt nerveous getting food that are over $1.00 each. I got good food costing over $3.00 each. The name brand stuff…the good stuff…stuff I am not used to. I tried to hide the price of the stuff from my husband. He did complained about some of it. If it cost over $1.00 its way to much & not allowed. Keep our bill at $100.00,for a family of 3,& we all adults. Well,this time all my food was over $3.00 each. I am eating the good stuff this week. I may do this every week.

fq

 

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House Is Plain

With this house I’ve not decorated it. The other house ruined it for me. The wall decorations has been attractions for spiders & their nasty webs. It had grown so intense it was webs everywhere. Sweeping them was never enough. They busy themselves growing them back…webs everywhere & I couldn’t stop the creeps. I want mention other crumbs with their filth. It was horrible. I left the wall decorations at the old house. They were beyond being cleaned. Maybe I will try here,in this 1914 house,with fresh new wall accents. It just hasn’t inspired me to wish to decorate. I’m thinking about it.

nessie16weeks

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